Mystery guest

Oprah and I are at IHOP discussing American Idol critics and which of them should be invited to grace a seat on her set. Oprah insists Paula Abdul deserves the spot because she’s the ‘kind’ critic. I argue for Simon Cowell. I adore his honesty although others boo him. She says he’s mean and insulting. I say he calls a spade a spade. She lashes my cheek with a bacon slice and beans me with a sausage. I sail a stack of pancakes at her face, and soak her suit with o.j.. Yolk drips off faces and juice spills down aisles. Management calls someone out to clean up the mess, and Ryan Seacrest and Kato Kaelin appear out of nowhere.